"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
This is a scripture that always seems to pop into my head right at the moment I need it the most. In Lehi's dream (1 Nephi chapter 8) we read that he saw the rod of iron, and many people are holding onto it to get to the tree of knowledge. As Lehi is watching the people struggle to hold on, or to keep their children and families holding on, he is saddened to see many let go, and wander off. Some wandered off because it was too hard to hold on, some wandered off because the great and spacious building was "more fun". I will say, it is not easy keeping a hold of the rod in today's world. I think some may have let go because they lost their trust.
I heard a quote recently, I'm not sure who said it or where I heard it, but they said "Without trust, there is no faith." I don't necessarily think this is true. I'm not proud, but back in January I hit my breaking point. I hit my lack of trust. I lost it, and spent many nights, in my car, driving home from the NICU screaming at the Lord after leaving my babies, AGAIN! It seems lately every time we pray for something, the opposite happens. We have gone through so many trials since last June, just trying to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, it seemed like one thing after another and the trials just kept coming. I know we all have our own issues we face everyday, and I don't believe my trials are more, or greater than anyone else's, after all the Lord caters our trials to what we can handle.. but January 17th I hit my breaking point. I drove home screaming at the Lord, and i admitted to Him I had lost my trust. I still knew He was listening, and I still wanted to talk to Him, but I had closed myself off to the spirit, and refused to listen. I told Him "I will NOT set foot in church until my babies come home. If YOU want me in church, YOU better make it happen." January 17th Ammon was supposed to come home, but that morning he had had another "episode" and his clock reset for another five days!
That night I felt all alone. I truly felt like my prayers weren't a priority, or that they weren't being heard at all. I felt no matter how hard I prayed it wasn't going to happen anyway, so why continue to keep praying? I screamed, I cried, and I even accused the Lord of holding my babies hostage. I had done my part, and yet He took one son, and was holding the other two. He can't even give me a break? Just one little break? I took my thoughts to Facebook. I was still talking to the Lord, I was just refusing His spirit. I asked a very trusted mom group "What do you do when you've lost your trust in the Lord?" One woman commented and said "it's okay to pray to the Lord and ask Him for a break. You are allowed to ask him to ease up on your trials." That's when it hit me. "TRUST in THE LORD with ALL thine HEART, and LEAN NOT unto thine OWN UNDERSTANDING".
I still didn't go to church in the 20th. Honestly I couldn't bear to have everyone who has supported us ask me questions about when our boys were coming home, and how they were doing. I just wasn't strong enough.
I spent the next week conversing but still keeping Him at arms length. I just couldn't trust Him... not yet. I felt gross, I felt empty, and I felt numb. It felt like if I held onto any kind of hope, it would all just be taken away from me.
Friday January 25th, I was in the NICU again. The nurse that night told me our boys would be ready to go home on Sunday! Yeah right! I'd believe it when I see it. I wanted so badly to believe it, to have just one ounce of hope or trust, but this was the third or even fourth time they told us they would be ready, just to have the light at the end of the tunnel snuffed out. I was holding Ammon, I looked down and I called him "Booger" my mom and my nick name for Duncan. I felt a pain in my heart. I said "I'm sorry Ammon, I can't call you that, that was Duncan's nick name. We'll come up with something else." At that moment I felt pressure on my left arm. It was as if someone had lied their head down on my arm while looking over my shoulder at the baby. I knew who it was, it was my Duncan. This sacred moment lasted for what felt like hours, but in reality was only minutes. That scripture came to my mind again. "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all they ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths." I trusted Him enough with my Duncan. I needed to continue that trust to know He had a plan, and He knew what was right. Even if I don't understand.
I walked out to my car and drove home that night very humbled. I turned off the radio, and for the first time in longer than I care to admit, I opened my heart, mind, and soul to my Father. I apologized. I told Him about my frustration, I talked about my anger, my pain, my worries, my fears of losing another baby. I told Him about my uneasiness to handle two babies, when I was still grieving the loss of one. I finally let Him in, I finally let Him comfort me. I was mentaly, emotionslly, and spiritually drained. I also came to a realization that night. When we have a friend or family member going through a hard time, we want to be there for them. We ask "what do you need from me? What can I do for you?" We check in on them to make sure they are alright. When they tell us "I'm fine" or "no, we don't need anything" we feel helpless, we feel unneeded, and we back off and think, they know we love them, they will call on us if they need us.
The Lord is no different. He can not FORCE us to feel His spirit, or to pray. All He can do is remind us He loves us, and that He is there when we are ready to call on Him. Then sit helplessly by, waiting for us to need Him. I needed Him, and realized in time how important my relationship with my Father is.
The next afternoon on January 26, 2019, I got a call from the NICU nurse. They had discharge orders for our twins! They were coming home! I had so many emotions run through me all at once. Mostly, I was thankful. Thankful I was willing to see how petty I was being, that I was willing to let my Father back into my heart. Thankful that I humbled myself to know He was just waiting for me. Waiting for me to talk to Him, to call on Him, and to have the trust in Him to know His plan is greater, His plan will always work out in the end.I
