Three Years.

September 18, 2015. Will always be a day I remember. This particular day changed my entire life, and the life of my family. Duncan had been sick, throwing up and sleeping for the past three days, and I couldn't get him to eat anything. I called his pediatrician after dropping Cyrus and Caleb off at school. I explained he was throwing up, his breathing was quick, and sounded wheezy, and his feet were cold. The nurse on the other end asked if he had a temperature, I said "no, no temperature." She told me it was probably a flu bug, and we just had to ride it out. "But, if he becomes unresponsive, get him to the emergency room right away." I kept my eye on him, and checked him every hour. Craig came home from his nursing program, we ate dinner, I went to see if Duncan wanted to eat, and I couldn't wake him up. I brought him into Craig, who pulled out his stethoscope. "His lungs are clear, but his heart is racing. First go get your dad, he needs a blessing. He then needs a doctor." With that my dad and Craig gave Duncan a blessing. I wish I could remember what they said, but I knew from this point on, it was up to the Lord. My dad and I rushed him to St Mary's where they did blood tests, started him on saline, and I got chewed out for not bringing him in sooner. I thought it was the flu! Later, when everything had settled down, and I sat by my little boy's bed, scared, pregnant, alone, praying he would be alright... a woman came to me. She sat down, and quietly said "I've just been reading your son's chart. It says you are LDS. What ward are you in? Who is your bishop? Does he know you're here? Who is your relief society president? Does your son need a blessing? I can call the missionaries, and they can be here in five minutes" I don't remember that nurse's name, I don't remember what she looked like, but I remember her gentle kindness. Her fellowship. Her sisterhood. She was a complete stranger, the Lord had sent to me, in my darkest hour, a sister to remind me I was not alone. She told me if I needed her, she would be at the desk, all I had to do was ask. She gave me a hug, and I knew, my spirit would be calm. It would be alright no matter the outcome. The Lord was there, I was not alone, and never would be alone in this battle.

Three years ago on September 18th my Duncan was diagnosed with Type 1 diabetes. I took the classes, I listened to the nutritionist, I did my best to keep him healthy. He was never hospitalized again, in the two and a half years after his diagnosis.

   

There were times I wanted to throw in the towel and say "No More!" But I knew Duncan was special, and he was going to change the world one day. And he did. He changed the world for at least 4 people, and many more to come, as well as their families, and future generations. He will always be our special boy, and our beacon of light. It's still hard to go through this life without him, but knowing he no longer has to fight, gives me some peace. Duncan, I would have fought along side you to the end, and in a way I did. Happy 3 year Diaversary my little super hero! And to those that are still fighting, know we stand with you. We love you, and we know your struggles, your fears, and your moments weakness. Know you are not alone.

Shattered Summer (PART 1)

I started this blog two years ago to help me cope with my son's type 1 diabetes. It helped me out a lot, even though I have many posts I have not published and I have gone many months without writing. My son was diagnosed at 18 months with type 1. While we came together as a family and learned everyday new ways to help him cope and help us understand, my husband Craig and I still knew in the back of our minds we would lose Duncan early in life. Craig always thought we would lose him in his 20s or 30s, I always thought it would be as a teenager.

This last June, Craig got a new job in San Rafael CA. We packed up our home, and our family and made the six hour drive to our new home in Fairfield. Our first week was spent, finding all the clothes and essentials we needed to get Craig to and from work. I needed to stock up on food, so I could make his lunches, the first week went by like a whirlwind and before we knew it we were heading into week 2.

Week 2 was spent getting the bedrooms organized so we could start getting our tiny townhouse in order. I knew I was going to have to downsize, but I needed the space to do it. I spent the week trying to get everything in order, while Craig spent the week dealing with a jerk at work who wanted his job and spent every day making sure the work environment was hostile. It was Father's Day weekend so we took some much needed family time and went to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom on Saturday, with my older brother, and his son. Then surprised my mom and step dad in Redding for a Father's Day BBQ. It was the perfect weekend, roller coasters and swimming, looking back I wouldn't change a single decision we made that weekend.

Monday came with more stress for Craig at work. Tuesday came and I spent the day throwing up. Then Wednesday hit... Duncan started throwing up Tuesday night at around 11:30 p.m. I checked his sugar, and it was high, almost 400, but he wasn't spilling keytones so I gave him a water bottle and sent him back to bed. He cam into our room at about 4 a.m. when Craig got up for work. He said he didn't feel good, and just wanted to lie down with mommy. I cuddled him, and he fell back to sleep. Craig left for work, and I cuddled my boy, he woke me up at around 7 throwing up. His sugar was in the 500s, but his keytones weren't high. I used his sliding scale to measure his insulin, and put him in the bathtub. Our nurse told us once, that a warm bath can help lower blood sugar, I checked on Duncan every hour, and got him a 24 oz cup full of water. He did have keytones, but again they weren't high, and although he was throwing up, his sugar was coming down. I check his sugar every hour, gave him insulin every two hours, made sure his 24 oz water cup stayed full, and tried to get him to eat anything I could. He was responsive. He would talk to me, and yell at his sister, looking back, I wish I had just taken him the the Emergency Room. Why didn't I just take him?

Duncan and I slept down in the living room that night. I didn't want to keep everyone else awake. My poor boy just couldn't keep anything down. Earlier that day I had jumped onto Facebook to ask my Diabetic community what they would do. There is a fantastic Facebook group called Parents of Type 1 Diabetes. I should have listened to those who said I should take him to the ER. But he was responsive, his sugar was coming down, and his keytones weren't at dangerous levels. It was around 11:30 p.m. on Wednesday night that I checked my post and saw someone say something about electrolytes. DANG why didn't I think of electrolytes? I went to my fridge, I had bought some Gatorade a week before, and it was still there. No it wasn't. I had been throwing up all day Tuesday, and Gatorade was the only thing I could keep down that day. I remembered I had a bottle of Pedialyte, I went back to the kitchen and looked everywhere, but I couldn't find it. It must still be packed up in a box somewhere, and finding it now would be impossible. I would get some first thing in the morning, as soon as Duncan woke up. I tried to get him up at around 2 a.m. to check for keytones, I placed him on the potty, and he started crying... "no mommy, no... I don't need to go potty, I just need to sleep" I checked his sugar, he was down to 195. I could get some sleep knowing we were almost out of the woods. I placed him back in bed and let him sleep. I think he knew then, he was getting ready to leave this earth.

Duncan woke up at around 9 the next morning, the first thing I did was check his sugar, and then for keytones. His sugar was at 290, and his keytones were HIGH too high. I texted Craig and told him Duncan would need to go to the Emergency Room. He was still responsive, and still fighting with his brothers, just really tired. That was to be expected, he had been throwing up all day. I loaded all four kids in the car, drove out to the 99 cent only store, and bought some Gatorade. Duncan drank about a cup of the Gatorade and then wanted to just lie down. At around 11:30 a.m. on June 21, 2018, Duncan was lying on his bed in the living room, and he let out a small cry. I rushed to him and he would not respond. He would not blink, he would not move his arms, he would not talk, he was barely breathing. I called 911 and they sent an ambulance. When the first responders showed up they saw my baby boy lying unresponsive on his little mattress in the living room of our tiny town house. One of them asked exactly what happened. I told him about Duncan having Type 1 Diabetes. I told him about the throwing up, I told him all about what had happened the day before. He said "I'm a Type 1 as well. Let me take his sugar" His sugar was at 360. He then said "his sugar is high, but it is not high enough for him to be in DKA, there is something wrong, we will take care of him". They loaded him on a gurney, into the back of a truck, gave me a map to the hospital, and they took my baby.

Craig met me at the hospital. He said he got off early because they were slow at work. Something felt off, but I didn't push him, I knew he'd tell me when he was ready. We stayed in the waiting room of the Emergency Room of North Bay Hospital in Fairfield, Ca. It seemed like we were sitting there for hours before they called us up to the door to the back. The nurse took us into a private waiting room, and my heart instantly dropped. They only take you into the private room when they have to tell you something serious. The trauma doctor stepped in and told us the news. Duncan had stopped breathing in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. They had to intubate him to put him on a breathing machine. They needed to do an x-ray, and a CT scan of his brain, but before they did that I was allowed to go in and see him. I was not ready for what I saw. They had to cut his shirt off, and they took his pants off, they put him in a diaper. His eyes were closed, and he looked like he was sleeping. I just wanted to go to him and hold him, and beg him to wake up. JUST WAKE UP! They took an x-ray, but I had to leave the room, I was eight weeks pregnant and I couldn't be around the radiation. They then let me walk with him down to the CT room to get a scan of his brain. Once we got back to the triage room, I held his hand, kissed his cheek, and went back into the waiting room to give Craig a chance to come in and see him. He came back, and the trauma doctor stepped in moments later. It was worse than we thought. The CT scan showed Duncan had swelling in his brain. They're not sure what it meant. It could have been a shadow, we prayed to God it was a shadow. He told us Duncan would need to be air lifted down to Oakland Children's Hospital, but they couldn't get him stabilized. When they would get him breathing, his blood pressure would drop, when they got his blood pressure back up, he would stop breathing. So again, we waited.

A million thoughts ran through my mind... Did I do this? I should have brought him in yesterday when he was throwing up. Why didn't I get Gatorade last night when I thought about it? Did I miss count his insulin? The head of triage came in to speak to us as well. He told us they thought he had an electrolyte imbalance. I knew it, it was my fault. He told us the swelling was only in the back of his head, which was weird because usually when a brain swells, the whole brain swells, that's why it may have just been a shadow. He told me I did everything right. He told me in his professional opinion, he wouldn't have brought him in the day before either, especially if he was responsive. He told me a million things can go wrong with type one diabetes, and when a diabetic gets sick, all we can do is treat the symptoms. I did what I needed to to treat his symptoms, but it just wasn't enough.

They finally got Duncan stabilized enough to move him. The helicopter landed, and I was able to go in and say goodbye. It took about 30 minutes for them to pack him up and get him loaded, they brought our family out of the waiting room, and outside to see him rolled onto the helicopter and take off. By the time the helicopter took off, a woman from our Church showed up to ask us what we needed. We quickly told her what was going on, and she watched with us. She had called an Elder in our ward as well, and he showed up right as the helicopter took off. We asked if we could have five to ten minutes alone to pray and receive a blessing. The hospital staff was more than willing to allow it, and we went back into that awful room, the room that changed my life forever. The hospital social worker had gone to the gift shop to get some things to keep the other kids occupied, she brought coloring books, game books, and some stuffed animals for our two year old daughter. Before they took Duncan from the triage room, she rushed in with one of the stuffed animals and said all the siblings kissed it for Duncan.

As we left the hospital, I got a call from my mom. She was at our townhouse, she had driven down from Redding, so she could stay with the other kids while Craig and I went to Oakland to stay with Duncan. It was 2 p.m. We had been at the hospital for two and a half hours! We went home, I found Duncan's dog, the one who has been through everything with him. I washed it up really quickly, and threw it in the car. I went through and found some clothes, knowing we would be gone for a couple of days. My mom and I went to a drive thru to get dinner, and when we got back, Craig and I left to the Oakland Children's Hospital. Craig had to drive, I was too stressed out. It took 45 minutes to get to Oakland, but it felt like hours.