It's Been Way Too Long

It's been too long since I've written. I started this as a way to help me cope with my son's diabetes. I thought maybe if another mother found this, it might make her feel better, like she wasn't alone when it felt like her world was crashing down around her. Honestly, Duncan's diagnosis changed my world forever. It changed my family forever. Not just my family unit (husband and other children), but also my parents and siblings and my husband's parents and siblings. I can't just call a babysitter to watch my children so my husband and I can go out for date night, I have to make sure it's a person I would trust with my own life, because ultimately I'm trusting that person with Duncan's life.

Before diabetes I never had to think, read, or do the math for food I bought. I never had to think twice about trick or treating, baking Christmas cookies, or going to family parties. Now I check nutritional facts, look up serving sizes, and I have to add, subtract, multiply, and divide, just to make sure Duncan has the right things to eat and the right amount of insulin. I have gone to church parties and looked through the trash just to find out what brand of rolls they used for the Halloween dinner. I have badgered family about what exactly is in the food they serve at parties. I have checked the nutritional facts on something, thrown the box away and then had to retrieve it again because I forgot what I had just read. It's exhausting, it's stressful, and now it's also second nature. I make announcements at family parties to remind everyone NOT TO FEED THE YOUNG BEAR, because he will give you his cute smile and try to manipulate you into sneaking him something extra that mom hasn't counted, and I am always so grateful to my family on both my side and my husband's side for keeping an extra eye on him and making sure I know what he's eating. To his aunts and uncles, and all our parents and siblings, thank you for making my stress that much easier.

Sometimes I look at Duncan and I forget he has this disease. It's really easy to see my outgoing little boy run around the park, and forget that I have to check his sugar before I can feed him anything. There are times I get in the car and I'm about to drive away when in the back of my mind I hear "you forgot the blood sugar bag". I have to jump out and run back into the house to get it. I was told before I left the hospital on September 20, 2015, that one day all this would become second nature. Here I am almost 2 years later, and it feels like I've been dealing with it all my life, and yet I'm still learning something new everyday as well.

So WELCOME BACK to our journey!

My Reality

"My son is 2 years old, and he has type one diabetes." I have said this to myself everyday since he was diagnosed last September. I've come to accept this is who he is, this is who I am, a mother of a diabetic, this is who our family is. We as a family cope with the idea of Duncan's disease. Cyrus and Caleb have adjusted pretty well to carb counting, and using a food scale weigh out his portions. They've adjusted to waiting to eat until sugar is checked, and juice is administered, and they're starting to adjust to sugar free treats or low carb snacks. We as a family have become Blood Warriors!

Every once in a while, if we go out to eat I will pull out Duncan's meter to check his sugar level. Most people ask me questions about how we found out about his "condition", or what it's like... but every once in a while I'll get an ignorant comment from someone who doesn't know anything about what Duncan is going through. There are people out there who think, that because their mom, or grandma had type 2 then they know all about the disease. That's when the harsh comments come into play.

I have had perfect strangers tell me I'm a bad mom. "If my child were that young, or that small I wouldn't give him sugar... it's your fault!" Now, I know that's not true, so I take it in my stride. I smile and say "actually sugar has nothing to do with it. His pancreas just doesn't produce insulin anymore." I'm never afraid to share Duncan's story with them, most of the time people with the nasty comments just walk away with a mean look on their face.

I try not to "educate" people about my son's condution, but there are so many people who know nothing of what I go through everyday just to keep my toddler safe and alive. When I hear my boys get up at 6:30 a.m. I hold my breath every morning and listen for Duncan. I my mind I say a silent prayer "please wake up this morning" this is my reality. I checked him last night, his sugar was 134, but there's always that possibility it dropped late into the night, and I wake up to a dead child. This is my reality... When I hear a CRASH and my 7 year old scream "DUNCAN!" I know he's up and crashing around. I can breath again.

I recently read a friends blog, where she bore her testimony about God's plan. As I was reading I realized how amazing our Father in Heaven is, and how He has a plan for all of us. I may not know what His plan is for our family, or my Duncan but I do have faith He is with us every step of the way.

Adeline

When Duncan was first diagnosed, we treated him as if he were fragile. For a month or so, I was getting my bearings and trying to come to what was now our reality.... now Duncan's reality. I will admit, there was a time I got in my truck to go pick up my 5 year old from kindergarten, and I cried the entire 15 minute drive to the school. I got there a little early, and cried until I saw my son's class come out to meet the parents. That was the only time I really let go and the seriousness of Duncan's condition sank in. My son is diabetic, I kept telling myself. He's not even 2 and he will now have at least 4 shots a day for the rest of his life. He will have midnight scares, and I may never really get a full night's sleep again. Will he be able to serve a mission? If he does will he have to stay in the states? Will he pass this on to is kids? I had so many questions about his future, it was overwhelming. I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone about it really. I told everyone I was fine, and dealing which I was, and I would tell them Duncan's story about how we found out about his condition. I tell them the technical stuff, not the personal toll it took on me and my boys. I don't talk about how his older brothers weren't sure how to treat him once we got home. I don't talk about crying in my car when I thought about almost losing him. I don't talk about the stress it put on my family, and how we were afraid he would break if we let him go outside. I didn't go anywhere alone with my boys for almost 2 months. I was afraid if I did, I would forget something important.

Once we got over the initial shock of his diagnosis, and we got over the thoughts that if we made one little mistake he could end up in the hospital again, we started to get our lives back in order. Duncan noticed the difference in how he was being treated though and he took advantage of the situation. He became a strong willed, spoiled little boy, who thought he could get away with everything if he just smiled. Take right now for example. I say it's nap time, he's decided he's not tired so he's up and running around his room, yelling at his brothers outside because he thinks I can't hear him. There were many times i forgot I was pregnant with baby #4. When you only see the doctor every 4 weeks, and the baby is pretty mellow and doesn't move a lot, its really easy to forget. We found out in November baby #4 was a girl. After 3 boys I didn't know what I was going to do with a girl. March 11, 2016 she entered into our world and once again our family was turned upside down. I was able to leave my boys with my parents without the worry of Duncan ending up with really high highs, or really low lows, and Craig (my husband) was able to take care of things while I was in the hospital.

I wasn't worried about Cyrus and Caleb as much as Duncan when it came to the new baby. Cyrus has had 2 babies come home, and Caleb has had 1, they've been through this before. Duncan has not... and like I said he's been a little spoiled. Craig brought the boys to the hospital to meet their new sister, and I fully prepared myself for a tantrum from Duncan. He's only 2 and he is now no longer the baby. When Cyrus was 2 and Caleb was born, he came in saw his new baby brother and stomped around trying to slam things. Craig couldn't stay for more than 10 minutes because of the tantrum Cyrus was throwing. I expected nothing less from Duncan. Craig came in with all three boys, Cyrus' face lit up and he asked if he could hold the baby. Caleb started giggling and asked if he could hold the baby, and then there was Duncan... he walked over and tried to climb on my bed by himself, so daddy helped him, and he crawled over to the baby in my arms, lifted his little hand and started stroking her cheek. He looked up at me and smiled, and then tried to sit on my lap while she was nursing. He is so gentle with her it amazes me. Every child is different, I know that better than anyone. Cyrus is my bossy 7 year old who thinks he knows how the world works already, Caleb is my mouthy 5 year old who wants to be in charge of his own destiny, but still lets his big brother call the shots, and Duncan is my explorer who won't think twice about jumping in a mud puddle just to see how deep it is, and if his shoes really will get wet after I've told him "no" countless times. They're all different, but Duncan amazes me when it comes to his sister. He doesn't try to hit her, or hurt her. When she's crying he looks at me very seriously and says "Mommy Baby!" and if he's in the room when she's crying he tries to comfort her with a blanket or a stuffed animal. He is a natural big brother, and I don't worry for one minute about their relationship. I know the two of them are going to be best friends. I know he'll tease her and pull her hair, I know she'll scream and tell on him every chance she gets, but there is a special bond between the two of them. I'm excited to see it grow, and mature throughout the years.

February 21, 2016: His Most Important Birthday

I know... I've been so busy getting ready for the new baby, and helping my husband getting settled with his new job, I'm behind on my posting. Duncan has been doing great the past couple weeks. I did do one stupid thing though, a week ago I was getting his insulin to him in the morning. Duncan takes his Lantus first thing in the morning, so like always I woke up, grabbed two syringes and went to the fridge to pull out his two vials of insulin. First, his Lantus, because that's his 24 hour and has to be taken at the same time everyday. I drew it out as normal, flicked the syringe to get the bubbles to the top like the nurses showed me on day one in the hospital, and then I picked up the vial and pushed the excess insulin into the vial like I was supposed to, just to find out I put the excess Lantus INTO the Apidra vial! I had to throw the Apidra away and start a new one all over again. I felt really stupid, mainly because I've read many stories where people who have struggled with type one for years mix up their insulin, and I've thought, "Really? How could you do that? you've had this illness for like 20 years and you mixed up the insulins? I've been dealing with it for like 5 months and haven't made that mistake!" To all those people I have thought that about I'm so sorry, I got cocky.

This past week has been a very emotional week for me. Duncan was born on the 22nd of February, and as we got closer to his second birthday the thoughts kept coming that we almost didn't have a birthday to celebrate. The reality of what we have been dealing with for the past 5 months hit me hard, and the pregnancy hormones didn't help. I almost lost my boy. This was the most important birthday I would ever celebrate, because it really was a celebration of life. His life. He has only been on this earth for two short years, but in those years he has turned our life upside down and inside out. I don't know what I would have done if I had lost my Duncan.

The biggest question is... What do I do about a birthday cake? I called around to all the bakeries I could find in our area and asked them if they made Sugar Free birthday cakes. They all said "No". My step-mom texted me, "Have you tried Baskin Robbins? An ice cream cake would be fun." So I got on the phone and called and sure enough they could make me a regular cake, but put Less Sugar ice cream in it. That sounded reasonable, after all I was told I didn't HAVE to go sugar free, but I SHOULD go sugar free when possible. I talked it over with them, and found out that an ice cream cake with less sugar ice cream would cost around $45, and that's just for feeding 6-8 people. WHAT! Off to Wal*Mart to find something I could use. Now, I love to bake. I love to decorate cakes and I love birthdays! I show up at Wal*Mart and they have a "Sugar Free Section" in their baking section. I find a "Sugar Free" Angel Food Cake. Whoo Hoo! Then I get a call from my step-Mom, "Jen, I just saw online that Wal*Mart sells sugar free icing in their baking section. I think it's Betty Crocker." I ask the baker behind the counter, "If we have it, it'll be in the baking isle with the cake mix." I went over and sure enough there it was!

I also got some no sugar added ice cream because Wal*Mart has the best selection.

I filled the middle of the Angel Food Cake, and made my own ice cream cake. It cost me half as much to do so and it tasted good too. I cheated this year by buying his cake when normally I would bake it, but next year I know what I'll be doing for him.

He loved it, and the rest of the family was happy to go sugar free for his birthday as well. It's been a very emotional week, and I made it through. My baby turns 2, and he's healthy and perfect... That's really all I can ask for. I thank God every day for that little boy, and I'm grateful he listened when my husband and I prayed for him to be alright. We're adjusting and taking control. Next step... Potty Training!

January 24, 2016: My Diabetic Tool Kit

As a parent, when your child is born, you look down at that small little face and you can see the entire world resting in your arms. You look at that child and all you can do is imagine the life their going to have. Who are they going to be? Of course we all think our kid is going to be the next biggest thing and they're going to change the world. I started having contractions with Duncan at 4:30 in the morning. My husband did not want to go to work that day he wanted to stick around and get me to the hospital. I told him he only worked 7 minutes away, I would be fine but to make sure he had someone to take over when I called him. My contractions came closer and closer, and I called my parents who were living 2 miles down the street. They came up picked up my other two boys, and took me down to their house where I met my husband and he rushed me to the hospital. My water broke on the I-15 northbound freeway, and we were about 5 minutes from the hospital when Duncan started crowning, he was almost born in the car on the side of the road. Thanks to all the lights being green, and my husband's safe driving we made it to the hospital just in time for me to get into a bed, and deliver our perfect baby boy.

When I looked down at the precious face, I knew he was going to be a force to be reckoned with when he got older. All we want for our children even if they end up working at a gas station their entire life is that they are happy, and healthy. I know Ted Bundy's mom didn't look down at him as a baby and say "I just know you are going to be one of the world's most infamous serial killers" she wanted him to be a force to be reckoned with. I never thought my boy would end up with an illness that would change all of our entire lives.

Last week we were all sick. We all (except my husband who has the immune system of Superman) had this croupy gross cough that went through the entire family. Duncan's blood sugars were scary high! At one point I went to check his blood glucose and his meter just read "HI". In the middle of the day he would have scary lows, in the 42 to the 50 range. When most kids get sick you just give them plenty of liquids, and make sure they get plenty of sleep. What do you do when you're diabetic son gets sick? I can't give him juice when he throws up anymore to keep sugar in his system, and I have to make sure he's eating at least enough carbs to give him 1/2 a unit of insulin...

This is my diabetic tool kit. Everything I need to keep with me wherever I go. I checked him for keytones again when he was really high, still nothing, and made sure he had plenty of juice when he had a low. 

We all know how hard it is to get a toddler to eat. Most moms have the luxury of saying "ok I guess you're just not hungry right now, you can eat later." I can't do that with Duncan, I have to make sure he eats at least something. Sometimes it's like pulling teeth, and sometimes all he want's to do is eat. I know as he gets older he'll understand more why I have to make him eat something, and he'll understand more why I have to give him 4 shots a day to keep him alive. Yes you read that right, Duncan gets 4 shots a day. One for his 24 hour insulin and one at every meal. If he ends up eating a snack that is 10 carbs or over he has to have another shot. So on average Duncan gets 4 shots a day, 28 shots a week, 112 shots a month 1,460 shots a year. That is not even counting all the finger pricks he gets everyday to check his sugar levels. 

It really is awful when my boy isn't feeling well. There's not a lot I can do but let him ride it out. I can't give him much medicine unless it's sugar free, and it's frustrating when his glucose isn't stable. He gets really clingy which is normal for a toddler, so we got to spend the morning last Sunday watching "Hercules" on Netflix. 

January 16, 2016: The Highs and Lows of Everyday Life

I'm just going to say that this week was a pretty good week. I called Duncan's nurse, Patricia, to give her his glucose levels. Patricia is awesome, we go through his levels together over the phone so she can adjust his insulin intake accordingly. Duncan's glucose this week was actually pretty good. Let me explain what pretty good means... Duncan's range is between 100 and 200, they explained to me that they want his range to be higher than the "normal" range of 80 to 100 because his brain is still developing and he needs that glucose to help with the development. If his glucose level gets down below 80 I need to treat it as a "low" meaning he needs more sugar in his system. If his glucose levels get above 200 I need to treat it as a "high" meaning he needs more insulin in his system. Normally Patricia doesn't worry too much about his levels until they reach the 250-300 range, then we have to worry about keytones, which is something to explain for a whole other day. Duncan has never experienced keytones since I brought him home form the hospital so I don't worry too much about that.

For the most part Duncan is a pleasant kid, he's active, happy, and playful. He likes to make faces and run through the house like a mad man. Duncan has been all over the place this week like any other "normal" toddler. I probably shouldn't say "normal" because his diabetes is "normal" to him now. We've gotten pretty much into the rhythm of things since he was first diagnosed, he knows I have to check his levels before he eats and is usually pretty good about letting me prick a finger to get a sample. When his level is low, we drink some juice and try again 15 minutes later. If his levels are high we count that into his insulin using his "sliding scale". If his levels are in range we don't worry.

The hardest is when he's low, he gets really hungry and wants to eat everything in sight! Mostly carbs, and sugars. He whines and cries and rolls around the floor like he's having a tantrum for no apparent reason. When his levels are high, he still wants to eat everything he can get his hands on but it's usually the proteins. He wants cheese, meats, or nuts and he stuffs them in his mouth like he can't get it in fast enough. Most days I wish he could talk and tell me what is wrong when his sugar is not in range. I know the symptoms to look for, but it's really hard to know if he has a headache or if he's feeling dizzy if he can't tell me himself.

My 5 year-old asks me at least once a week "Mom, when is Duncan going to not need anymore shots?" I have to explain to him that Duncan will be getting shots the rest of his life, unless they find a cure which is what we pray for every night. Duncan gets pricked on the finger an average of 8-10 times a day, some days he cooperates and lets me do it, some days he's ornery and wants to be in control of his checks and balances. They told me as a teenager it gets harder because he'll start wanting to do it on his own, and he'll start hiding his highs and lows from me because he will want to be in control of his illness. They've never met a determined 2 year old who wants to be left alone with a loaf of bread for 5 minutes!

The other day Duncan was acting really weird. He was in the dinning area and was really quiet. We all know the saying when a toddler is being quiet you know something is wrong, so I walk over and try to find him... he's not there... maybe I was wrong and he went down the hall to his room? I walk down to his room and no Duncan... I walk back to the dinning area and there under the table sitting with his back to me is my son chowing down on a loaf of bread! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!? Don't you know what that will do to your sugar? of course he doesn't, he's 2 all he knows is he wants food and he wants it now! I swear this kid is like Houdini when it comes to food. It doesn't matter how well I put it up, he WILL find it and somehow find a way to eat it. So I check his sugar, it's a little low only in the low 80's but enough to give him a little snack.

Get him in his high chair, hand over the cheese and pretzel and 10 minutes later off he's running to go destroy whatever new "thing" my older boys have built. I hear him run down the hall then it's 3... 2.... 1... "DUNCAN! NO" another castle was just destroyed by our very active, sugar free, T-Rex.

January 10, 2016: A Diabetic Family

While in the hospital I had to meet with a nutritionist to "help" me find healthy diet choices for Duncan. She told me that parents don't realize the life changes that come with a child who is diagnosed with diabetes. I kind of waved her off. We were healthy eaters to begin with, my husband likes his junk food occasionally but for the most part we don't keep it in the house. I was taught to cook from scratch, I know how to use noodles to make mac-n-cheese with real cheese and milk, I love cooking beef stew in my crock pot, and I never use the prepackaged stuff. I find it to be very fattening, high calories and it just doesn't fill my boys' stomach. I already used whole wheat noodles instead of white noodles and brown rice over white rice. So our eating habits didn't really change too much.

The only thing that really changed for us was eating the holiday candy in front of Duncan, and portions. My kids are still growing so I never really paid attention to how much they ate, as long as they were eating enough. Now I have to keep track of EVERYTHING Duncan puts into his mouth. Last night we had a good dinner, and I gave him the insulin he needed to cover it. He woke up two or three times screaming like he was in pain. At first I thought something was really wrong, I had just recently read and article of a little girl who recently died because she swallowed a penny battery. My thought raced through every thing he at yesterday, and maybe things he could have picked up on the floor that I just didn't see... I remembered that we don't even have penny batteries in the house. I stuck his sippy cup in his mouth and he started drinking the water, laid his head back down on the pillow and went back to sleep. About an hour later he woke up screaming again. I went in to see if he needed more water and checked his blood sugar this time, he was in the 300's no wonder he was miserable. I've gone on record as saying I'd rather deal with highs than deal with lows which is true, but I still get stressed out when he's too high. He woke up again an hour later so I was back and forth most of the night

I remember when my husband and I went to our basic training class in October, one of the nurses told a story about a mom who had two daughters that both had type 1:
"Her 8 year old came in with a blood sugar in the 400's, and I asked her what she had for breakfast that morning. The little girl turned to me and said "Cocoa Puffs" I looked at the mom and said to her "Why would you give your daughter Cocoa Puffs for breakfast when you know she's diabetic?" The mom looked at me and said "I didn't give them to her, the Cocoa Puffs are mine, she just found where I was hiding them." I said to her "you really shouldn't keep that kind of thing in the house with both of you children dealing with diabetes" the mom looked right back at me and said "I don't see why I have to suffer just because She's the one who has diabetes..." I was shocked. About a week later both of her daughters were in the hospital with high blood sugars, and as I walked into the room to greet them this same mother threw her arms around me and started to cry. "I don't know how this could have happened" she said "you know more than anyone that I would do ANYTHING for my daughters!" I couldn't hold it back any longer, I had to be taken off their case because I just started screaming."

This story really shocked me. I felt bad for those kids, but most of all it made me realize how important it is to eat clean with Duncan in the house. He's still a toddler so he's getting into everything as it is, I don't want to end up in the hospital for four days again, because I was too selfish to keep snack foods around the house. We all know as a woman it's hard not to store chocolate around the house for when you're dealing with stress.... but that is something I am definatly working on.